Of all those cliche books with the title ‘This book will change your life’, it’s the real life-changing book I’ve read so far. Even if it’s a psychology/philosophy book, the authors made it easy to understand for everyone. It’s written as a dialogue between a philosopher whose ideas are based on Adlerian psychology and a young man who is a little lost in his life. The youth tries to deny his arguments (I wanted to argue in some parts too) and the philosopher explains why it is true. All the concepts are relatable to everyone. You can observe and make conclusions about how you live while reading the chapters.
Trauma doesn’t exist
Recently I encountered many books with the same idea, You choose how to react to what happens. I lost my dad when I was a child, but should it be a problem of mine even after 10 years? Girls say “I have a daddy issue, that’s why I want a guy who protects me”. We just define ourselves based on our experiences. Since we can’t change what already happened, why should we live with a so-called ‘trauma’ for the rest of our lives?
We determine our own lives according to the meaning we give to those past experiences.
Anger is not an automatic emotion, we choose to be angry because we somehow think it would solve a problem. Anger is a tool that can be taken out whenever we want. So, we are not controlled by the past or our emotions.
All the problems are interpersonal relationship problems
What do you worry about before you sleep? Maybe you said something stupid to someone, or someone treated you badly, or you have a hard time communicating with your teammates. Adler says, “To get rid of one’s problems, all one can do is live in the universe all alone”. Of course, it’s impossible. Always other people cause problems in our lives.
Being alone isn’t what makes you lonely.
When I was in high school, I felt horribly lonely. (You can read from my journals 4 years ago) Those people surrounding me gave me a feeling that I didn’t belong there. They made me lonely in public. But if I was alone, I would’ve been happier with myself, without a feeling of being excluded from people.
Also, my confidence was at its lowest. I compared myself with other pretty girls and smart classmates, my acnes were out of control, and I felt lonely and miserable. I ended up hating myself and avoided interpersonal relationships. I was afraid of communicating with people. I had a feeling of inferiority that I always compared myself, couldn’t accept myself, and never felt enough. Everyone has feelings of inferiority. If there weren’t people with good skin, I wouldn’t compare my acne with others. We should understand that what we feel is not objective inferiority, but a subjective inferiority.
Human beings are all equal, but not the same.
Has anyone ever felt ‘enough’? I don’t think so. Everyone is in this ‘condition of wanting to improve’ that is the pursuit of superiority. Everyone has dreams, and we don’t really realize how much we improve. There’s nothing wrong with the pursuit of superiority and the feeling of inferiority. These feelings push us to strive, grow, and become a better person each day.
What’s toxic is, that when one tries to use one’s feeling of inferiority as an excuse. It’s the inferiority complex. For example, “I’m fat, so I can’t find a partner”. People with an inferiority complex try to make themselves special by being miserable. They put themselves above others saying “You don’t understand how I feel”.
We need to find the line. Only compare yourself with your ideal self to have a healthy feeling of inferiority. You don’t have to prove your worth by boasting. The people who have confidence in themselves never boast about their achievements.
It’s enough to just keep moving forward, without competing with anyone. There’s no need to compare yourself with others.
Freedom
If all the problems are interpersonal relationship problems, how can we get rid of them? Separate the tasks.
You’re the only one who’s worried about how you look. What others think when they see you is their task, you don’t have to and can’t have control over it. There might be someone who dislikes you, but that’s not your task. This way of thinking lets you be free. Freedom is being disliked by other people. When you don’t give a shit about what others think, when you don’t seek recognition, when you just do you, that’s the real freedom.
Adlerian psychology denies the need to seek recognition from others and give compliments to others. It’s hard to agree. In our society, everyone tries to be recognized by the community and encourages each other by giving compliments.
He explains that people seek recognition because of reward-and-punishment education. We think “If I do a good thing, I get praise. If I do a bad thing, I get punishment. If no one is watching, I can do bad things and I shouldn’t do good things.”
Wishing so hard to be recognized will lead to a life full of expectations from other people who want you to be “this kind of person”. You throw away who you really are and live other people’s lives. You won’t have freedom anymore.
You are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations. You are living only your own life.
It’s impossible to be liked by everyone and reach the expectations of everyone. But we still lack the courage to be disliked and we seek recognition. It’s a very unfree way of living. The cost of freedom in interpersonal relationships is that one is disliked by other people.
Relationships
Now, it’s the part I still can’t agree with. The philosopher says “When one person praises another, the goal is ‘to manipulate someone who has less ability than you’. It is done out of gratitude or respect. Giving praise is a judgment that is passed by a person of ability onto a person without ability. Reward-and-punishment education intends to manipulate children”. Maybe I’ve been manipulated by this education for my whole life and can’t see the point of it.
He explained that it’s because we see relationships as vertical relationships. I acknowledge that I make vertical relationships with everyone in my life. I can’t even talk comfortably with a very successful person. I have a feeling that that person is up there and I’m just a little girl down there. Conversely, when I talk to someone who is younger than me or I feel that I’m ‘above’ that person, I’m more confident and I don’t respect them enough. It’s not a healthy way to build relationships.
Horizontal relationship is built on the true sense of people. We should see, respect, and treat everyone equally. No matter whether you’re talking to a kid or an elder, you should see them as just human beings and make horizontal relationships where everyone is on the same line.
Age does not matter in love and friendships.
Community feeling
When a person is able to feel that he has worth? When one can feel “It’s okay to be here. I am beneficial to the community”.
I recently realized that people are very opportunist. It’s easy to think “What will this person give me? What can I win in this situation?”. If that person won’t do anything for them and they won’t win anything, they would think of that person as an enemy. Instead, one should think “What can I give to this person?”. That is commitment to the community.
You are a part of a community where each person contributes. You are not the center of the world.
The final goal of interpersonal relationships is community feeling.
To have a community feeling, we need 3 concepts:
Self-acceptance. If you can’t do something, just accept your incapable self. There’s no such thing as a 100% person. Everyone is in the condition of wanting to improve (pursuit of superiority). There’s no need to lie to yourself or others that you’re strong when you’re not.
Confidence in others. One believes in others unconditionally. We need to have confidence in others if we want to enter into deeper relationships.
Contribution to others. One commits to one’s community and truly feels “I am of use to someone” and even comes to accept one’s existential worth.
Happiness is the feeling of contribution.
Here and now
Life is a series of moments called ‘now’. It’s hard to imagine living only in the now, without thinking about past experiences and future goals.
Take dancing as an example. Dancing itself is the goal, and no one is concerned with arriving somewhere by doing it. Naturally, it may happen that one arrives somewhere as a result of having danced. Since one is dancing, one doesn’t stay in the same place. But there is no destination.
I always think “I’ll be happy if I solve this problem”. I’m trapped in a cycle. Problems derive one after another. When I had a face full of acne, I wished to have good skin and believed that I wouldn’t have any more problems if I get rid of my acne. But here I am, having much better skin and still depressed. Why can’t I just BE HAPPY? Even if I have many problems now, I shouldn’t wait for them to be solved to feel fine. I’m fine now, no one is dying. My friend said, “If it’s not about dying or losing someone, it’s not a hardship. Anything else than dying, even if it is so hard to overcome, I can deal with it”.
Take your step to change
With all this information, one might wonder if it’s worth living this way when others don’t understand. Adler said, “Someone has to start. Other people might not be cooperative, but you should start. With no regard to whether others are cooperative or not”.
If I change, the world will change.
I need to read this book again to understand it in depth and write a proper conclusion. I think everyone needs to read it.
嫌われる勇気。
2024.04.12 nana’s chill friday evening
