Long time no see, my dear reindeer! I have a lot to tell this time.
Last summer was the chillest summer I’ve ever had. I had exams in June and moved out with my Moldovan friend. We settled down in the beginning of July, then my mom came from Mongolia. We met after one year without seeing each other. We traveled a lot in Hungary, France, and Austria. My dream of traveling with my mom in Europe came true. After my mom left, I suddenly became alone for the first time since I came to Hungary. I was with my roommate, friends, or classmates all the time. I forgot how to be with myself and enjoy spending time alone. I started applying for internships, coding, working out, reading, and hanging out with my friends. It’s so hard to accept myself as I am, forgive myself, and embrace myself with my problems without judging and feeling like I’m a loser. Most of my international friends weren’t in Hungary, and I felt lonely, useless, and unproductive because I wasn’t working or studying. My stomach was so bloated, and I wasn’t just healthy (it’s complicated, I don’t want to explain here). Then my mom called in the middle of August, saying that I had to go to Mongolia to stay in a hospital and get medications. I didn’t like the idea because I had planned things for the rest of my break, I didn’t want to spend money, and I didn’t plan to go back until my graduation. But I came to Mongolia 2 days after my mom called.
Going home was a big healing. I had so much fun with my friends, met my nephews (some of them almost forgot me), and spent time with my family. I stayed in a hospital for a week and went to doctors a lot. It’s so discouraging that I couldn’t heal my body after spending that much money and time, but a good thing is I started learning about my diagnosis. I just have to cope with it by having a healthy lifestyle and taking pills. I should exclude sugar and dairy, reduce my stress, and do workouts constantly to manage my symptoms. Even though I want to scream “Why me?”, I’m trying to embrace it and do my best. It’s not the end of the world, I’m glad that I have those people who take care of me.
I almost forgot how I feel when I’m with my friends. We talk and understand each other. Now I miss them more, and I wanna go back again next summer. It feels good to know that some people love me, that I’m a valuable person to them even though I’m far away, and that they will be by my side always. Friends are the most important. They hone me to do better, compliment me when I accomplish something, and just show their love.
I skipped the first week of school, and I got so tired while traveling to Hungary. Because I didn’t sleep well and eat healthy, my brain wasn’t just working. I didn’t understand what was going on in most subjects until I recovered fully. Oh, now I’m living with my Moldovan friend, only 2 of us for the first time. She is a too nice girl and I want her to stop saying thank you and sorry at every step😂
Lately, I feel hesitant about my major. Do I want to work with a computer for my whole life? Do I really like computer science? Am I good at it? I don’t think so. It’s not that I can’t do this and give up. I can get my degree and earn money. I feel like it’s not my thing after all. I blindly chose CS hoping that I would like it and be successful, and I thought if I don’t like it, I can change my major and start again. Now I’m on that page. I can first get my degree and find a job here to stay in Europe, then study again. Or I can change my major now, it’s okay to lose some years. But the problem is I don’t know what I want to do. I used to enjoy physics and math, so maybe I can become an engineer. I’ll think and research.
It’s been a year since I came to Hungary. I remember writing my diary and feeling so excited to live abroad alone. I changed a lot in a good way. I became more mature, I learned many things, I failed many times, and still trying to do better. Everyone is different and has their own time. I don’t have to rush and compare myself with others. Some people have an internship, are ready to marry, or planned their lives already. I can still be unsure about my future. I don’t have to work to be fully independent financially. I don’t have to be as skinny as before. Since I’m eating healthy, being true to myself, and developing myself persistently, who gives a shit? Turning 20 feels so different and scary. While the world is changing rapidly, the people who surround me are growing up, my mom is getting older, and I’m not a little kid anymore. I’m not the smartest person in a room, everyone has something to teach me. I should keep growing, learning, failing, and changing.
enjoy the ride
By the way, I became a co-lead of the Google Developers Student Club. My other 2 co-leads are so good, I’m just trying not to do stupid things and learn from them as much as I can. Being in an environment where everyone else is better than me gives me so much opportunity to develop myself.
I’m trying to love myself truly. It’s not about taking care and buying chocolate for myself. It’s about forgiving, not blaming, accepting, and enjoying the present. I should prioritize myself and not be a people pleaser. In the end, I only have me, right?
2023.09.30, nana with bloated stomach:( but happy
