I missed you, reindeer! This might turn out a long story because there are many things in my mind.
I am both excited and a little scared to study in Hungary. What if I can’t do well in my studies? What if I can’t make friends there? What if it won’t be like I imagined?
It’s a whole new experience. I’ve never lived away from my mom longer than 10 days, and now I’ll be in another country for 3 years. I’ll have to say goodbye to my comfort zone and face real problems there. When I am sick or depressed, no one will physically take care of me. And when I see a doctor, we can’t understand each other because I can’t speak Hungarian.
It feels so scary getting old and being independent. But if other people can do it, I can do it, right?
This is the most unproductive summer ever. I finished my internship at CallPro after naadam because I had dental medications and surgery and mom said I have to rest before I go. And now I’m resting too much. I started going to CrossFit and I really like it. I tried many activities lately such as dancing, ballet, skiing, swimming, and CrossFit. My intention is to feel different things and understand their special sides. Dancers love to dance because feeling the beat and moving from inside is cool. Swimmers love to swim because they feel so much freedom underwater. I won’t rank them and stick with the one I liked. I just want to keep trying new things.
I’m a very lucky person. My family cares for me more than I do. I’m not facing abuse. Not many people hate me. Then why can’t I satisfy with my life? Why can’t I acknowledge myself as I am? Even if I try not to compare myself with those perfect looking people on social media, I can’t stop feeling alone and hating myself. Because of my lack of confidence, I am afraid of being ignored and I can’t be friendly. I really want to get along with a group of people, but I don’t even say hi to them and end up hating my introvertedness. According to Flow, the book I’m reading, a person feels more alive when surrounded by other people.
Okay, one more thing to say. There is a line “to live for the hope of it all” in the song August by Taylor Swift. I do live for the hope of all things will be good. I hope that I will find one that I’m looking for and my dreams will come true. I hope I won’t encounter unexpected problems like an accident or getting seriously sick. I want my mom to be with me for as long as she can. Unfortunately, life is not fair and no one is trained to face such problems. I might be too young to talk about it, but I just want to live for the hope of it all while I can because when I get older, things might not seem worth hoping for.
I try to be vulnerable on my medium. I don’t want to hide my feelings and pretend I am cool like I’m on Instagram. Expressing that I’m sick or lonely is vulnerability, right?
22.08.17
